


Twelve Days of Dwarves

by alchemist17



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Bofur sells sex toys, Bombur works in a tavern, Christmas Eve partying, Christmas Presents, Dwalin writes lovely poetry, Fili is bad at choosing presents, Fili is defensive, Fili is embarrassed, Kili is a bit sappy, Kili is interested, Kili likes Fili's hair, M/M, Ori and Dwalin are together, Thorin is as bad at choosing presents, Who wouldn't like an entire day of sex?, aww cuties, balin that is a shitty present, dwarfling Gimli, dwarves celebrate christmas, eheheheh cake, ehehehehehe, hint-he loves it, i love it, idk why, it aint major though, thats the worst sex joke ever, waking up in a barn, what could it be?, whoa what is it?, will Kili like the present?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-04 12:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1081243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemist17/pseuds/alchemist17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili has no idea what to get Kili for Christmas. Maybe the rest of the company has some ideas?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One set of barbed arrows

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by the wonderful Phoebe-Artemis
> 
> I had no idea about the advent so I came up with this.

"Uncle?" Fili said as he closed the door behind him.

"Yes?"

"What should I get Kili for Christmas?"

Thorin looked up at his nephew. "Why not some barbed arrows? He seemed quite taken with those at the market last month."

"Did he? I don't remember that."

"That was the day Ori drank you under the table."

"Oh yeah." Fili leaned against the chair. "Seems kind of impersonal though. Like 'Merry Christmas, go kill something'."

"Just a suggestion. I haven't chosen Christmas gifts for decades." Shuffling papers around, Thorin returned to the books.

"Then who chooses our presents?" asked Fili, confused.

"Some years Dwalin, some years Balin. One year it was Gloin."

"Oh,” Fili said, sighing. “I'll go ask them. Don't forget to come out for dinner today. The night wardens are getting fed up with trying to send you to bed."

Thorin grunted noncommittally as Fili left.

 

 

"So that's why some years we got books and some years we got better stuff." Kili was nodding as though the world finally made sense.

"I dunno, I quite liked the books." Fili pulled the last bead from his hair and placed it on their dresser.

"Well you would, wouldn't you?"

Fili gasped. "And what are you saying?" he asked in mock rage.

"You know what I'm saying," Kili replied.

"Well, it looks like I'm just going to have to put you in your place." Fili stalked towards his brother, forcing him backwards onto the bed.

"You're more than welcome to try."  Kili grinned.


	2. Two battleaxes

"Dwalin?"

"Yes, lad?" Dwalin left the axe where it stuck in the training dummy.

"What should I get Kili for Christmas?"

"How about a nice axe?" said Dwalin.

"You know Kili doesn't like wielding them."

"He's your brother. The only idea I had I gave to Thorin."

"Really? What was it?" Fili asked.

Dwalin just looked at him.

"I knew you weren't the brightest lad, but that sounds like something Kili would say."

"I'm telling him you said that." Fili folded his arms.

"You do that lad."

 

"He said you were the clever one?!"

"He implied, but yeah."

"The cheek!" Kili sat up in bed as his brother laid down. "I'm going to go tell him exactly what I think of him."

Fili causally looped an arm round his waist and pulled him back into bed.

"Lemme go Fee!" He squirmed, trying to break free of Fili's grip.

"Calm down, baby brother. You're a genius when it comes to my body."

Kili pouted. "Are you going to let me prove that?" He pushed the blond onto his back, settling between his legs.

"If you think you can."


	3. Three clockwork toys

"What brings you here, lad?" Bofur put down his brush and the wooden figure he was painting.

"What should I get Kili for Christmas?"

The toymaker glanced around the shop quickly.

"Have you ever been in the back room?"

Fili frowned. What would Bofur sell in the back room of a toyshop?

"Don't tell your uncle I'm showing you this." He pulled a tiny golden key from a chain around his neck and let Fili into a room behind the counter.

 

"Bofur sells sex toys?!" Kili paused in the middle of undressing.

"Yeah. Not even just some oil and boring dildos. Serious stuff."

"Wow. You get me anything?"

"What?" Fili stared at him.

"Did you get me anything from Bofur's back room?" Kili draped himself across his legs, propping his chin up.

"I don't think you've been good enough this year." Fili slid a hand through his hair to cup the back of his head.

"Oh? Maybe I could change your mind."


	4. Four sappy poems

"Ori? Might I ask your help with something?" Fili perched on the edge of a bench half covered with books.

"Is that Fili?" Ori called down from the top of a ladder.

"Yeah."

"I take it you're here about Kili's Christmas present?" He placed the final book on the shelf and slid down.

"How did you know?"

"Dwalin told me." Fili asked, surprised.

Fili nodded. Of course Dwalin would be a gossip.

"Write him a poem." Ori examined the books upon the bench and fished one out. "Here. This should get you started."

"No no no, Kili wouldn't want a poem."

"He would."

"He wouldn't. He would have asked." Fili insisted.

"You know Kili is my friend? Believe me, he told me himself. He wants you to be more romantic."

Fili stared at the librarian, dumbstruck.

Finally he gathered up enough words to ask. "Does Dwalin write you poems?"

"Yes. And they are lovely."

 

"Nugget for your thoughts?" Kili asked his brother.

"Am I romantic?" Fili thought aloud.

"Not really. For my birthday we stayed in bed for a day and you didn't even try to woo me."

"But you liked it, didn't you?" He scooped the brunet against his chest.

"Yeah, of course. But you have at least seduced me first, maybe a little ale to loosen me up." Kili idly carded a hair through his brother's hair.

"I'll remember that for next year. But for now, my _kurdel_ , let me seduce you."


	5. Five hair beads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't bother to look up how old Gimli is in comparison, but I thought dwarfling Gimli would be cute.

Gloin was sitting behind the counter of his shop, bouncing his son on his knee.

"Hello there Gloin, Master Gimli."

"Fili!" Gimli jumped down and waddled up to Fili.

"Hello down there. Have you been training hard?" Fili crouched down to speak to him.

"Yes sir! With Mister Dwalin and my axe!"

"Good lad. Now then, Gloin."

"What can I do for you today?"

"Christmas is fast approaching, and I haven't gotten Kili anything yet."

Gloin sucked a breath in through his teeth. "That's bad. You haven't gotten your lover his present yet."

"So what should I get?" Fili lifted Gimli into his arms, allowing him to tug on his braids.

"I don't know. Maybe hair beads? You two could match."

"That's not bad actually."

"Now then Gimli, let the prince go."

"But dad!"

"He has gifts to get."

Fili passed the lad back to Gloin.

"I'll come back tomorrow then. Bye Gimli." Fili waved at the young dwarf.

"Bye!"

 

"Kili, will you let me braid your hair?" Fili asked as he settled behind his brother.

"Hmmmm...okay."

Fili reached for the brush, combing out his dark hair before he started braiding. He pulled the beads from his own hair and used them to finish the new braids.

"Turn round. Let me look at you."

Kili turned to face him. The braids pulled his hair back off his face, hanging down behind his ears.

"Aww, they're like little reins." Fili reached out to grab them, pulling Kili forward for a kiss.

"Why do you think I like yours so much?" Kili murmured against his lips.

"I did wonder."

Kili hands slid into his brother's hair, keeping them close as he crawled into his lap.

"Why don't you take me for a ride, Fili?”


	6. Six family trees

Balin's study was much like his uncle's, the walls lined with books and the desk covered in paper.

"Balin?"

Balin glanced up at him.

"Oh, it's you." He said, returning to his papers.

"What should I-?"

"Get Kili for Christmas."

"Dwalin?"

"Ori, actually."

Could no-one keep their mouth shut?

"Maybe a nice, illuminated family tree."

No wonder they got books some years.

"Um, good idea Balin." Fili said weakly.

"Anytime laddie."

 

"You look so worried lately. Anything I can help with?" Kili kissed his neck softly, running a hand soothingly over his chest.

"I dunno, Kee. Christmas is normally my favourite time of year."

"I remember. You used to wake up before I did." They grinned at the memory.

"Maybe there is something you could do to relieve my stress." Fili slid a hand down to cup his brother's thigh.

"Oh?" Kili raised his eyebrows. "What would that be?"

"How about you put that silver tongue of yours to good use?"

"It would be my pleasure."


	7. 7 barrels of ale

Fili elbowed his way through the tavern to the bar. Bombur was swiftly pouring out ale for the waiting dwarves and shoved two mug towards Fili without looking.

"Bombur!"

Bombur squinted at him.

"Fili?"

"That's me."

Bombur shouted for his assistant to come out so he could talk.

"What's the problem?"

"I haven't gotten Kili a present yet."

Bombur’s jaw dropped.

"You rascal!"

"Well I don't want to rush and get him something he doesn't like." Fili explained.

"I tell you what he does like."

"Ooh, what is it?" He leaned forwards across the bar.

"Honey cakes. Get him those, and he'll be eating out of the palm of your hand."

"Who's to say he isn't already?"

Bombur laughed filthy and punched him in the arm.

"Now, you best get that ale back to Kili. He looks lonely over there."

"Alright. Thanks."

Fili took the mugs and made his way back to his brother.

 

Kili kicked his brother awake.

"Fili, where are we?"

The blond looked around.

"Looks like a barn."

Kili slapped his arm.

"I know we're in a barn, silly. What happened last night?"

"I guess we got drunk, stumbled in here, had sex and then passed out."

"We had sex?"

Fili gestured at the straw stuck to his groin.

"Oh I guess we did then."

"It was probably rubbish. Drunk sex always is." Fili started to pick the straw out of his hair.

"Why don't we make up for it?" Kili asked causally, lying back against a mound of straw.

"We might as well."                                                                                                                   


	8. Eight bottles of oil

"Fili?" someone said from the shadows.

Fili jumped and reached for the knife up his sleeve.

"Calm down. It's only me." Nori stepped out of the alleyway.

"You're lucky I don't wear my swords around here. I could have hurt you." Fili relaxed his stance.

"Yeah, you believe that. I hear you haven't gotten Kili anything yet," Nori said, pulling something from his coat.

"Who told you that?"

"Ori."

Could no-one keep a secret?

"I thought, given the nature of your and Kili's relationship—”

Fili blushed a little.

"—that this might be of use." He held out a small bottle.

Fili took it and peered at it cautiously. Flicking open the clasp, he went to sniff it.

"And this is?"

"Oil."

Fili pulled back.

"If you plan to keep him in bed all day, you'll need it."

"Well, thank you. Kili will be pleased."

"Oh, I bet he will."

 

"What have you got there?" Kili asked as he entered the bedroom.

Fili quickly shoved the oil into the drawer and turned round.

"Nothing."

"Is it my present?" Kili tried to get round him and into the drawer.

"It isn't but if it was, you shouldn't be looking." The blond held his brother tight and pushed him back to the bed.

"Well now I've seen it, I won't think of anything else. You know how I love secrets." Kili pouted.

"Looks like I'm just going to have to take your mind off it." Fili said, pressing their bodies together meaningfully.


	9. Nine golden rings

"Gold?"

Oin nodded.

"Gold."

"But Kili never really seemed that interested in gold." Fili said.

It was him who liked to see his brother decked in gold and jewels.

"I've seen the way he looks at your hair. Believe me, he likes gold."

 

"Can I braid your hair?" Kili asked, reaching out to toy with a strand of hair.

"They don't really need doing." Fili kept reading the yearly trade report.

"But Fee..." He wheedled.

Fili sighed.

"Okay. Just don't tug too hard."

Kili nodded eagerly and set about separating the golden strands. It seemed he did have gold lust after all.


	10. Ten strange devices

Fili was awoken by an almighty thudding at the door. Extracting himself from beneath Kili, who could sleep through thunderstorms, he shrugged on his robe and went to answer.

"Oh, morning Bifur." He stifled a yawn.

**Hello-sorry-to-disturb-you-seek-present-for-Kili?**

"Yeah. I bet the whole town's heard by now."

**Nearly-whole-town**

"So did you find something Kili might like?" Fili leaned against the door.

It had been a long, tiring night for him. Less so for Kili.

Bifur nodded and produced a small device from within his coat. He handed it to Fili. It was made of polished wood and one ended twisted off to reveal gears.

**For-inside-moves-feels-good**

"I don't understand."

Bifur rolled his eyes.

**For-inside-Kili-makes-pleasure**

"Oh." Fili blushed.

**Kili-like-much**

"Yes, I think he will like this. Thank you."

Bifur nodded and waved goodbye.

 

"Who was at the door?" Kili asked sleepily.

"Bifur. Just asking advice for what to get Bofur."

"You took all the warmth with you." His brother pulled him back into bed.

"Oh, poor chilly Kili." Fili rolled them up in the blankets. "Looks like we're going to have to warm you up."


	11. Eleven barrels of ale

The entire tavern was roaring drunk. Fili had left his tipsy, touchy-feely brother in his seat to go to the bar.

"Dori!" he shouted above the din.

"What you after?" Dori hollered back.

"Can you put by a barrel of ale?"

"What?"

"Ale! Barrel!"

"You sure?"

'Yes!"

Dori nodded and served another customer.

 

Fili returned to his seat, barely settling before Kili crawled onto his lap.

"Brother." He whispered before kissing him, tasting of ale and honey.

There were a couple catcalls.

"Take me home." Kili kissed down his neck then got to his feet, tugging the blond behind him.

That earned them a tavern's worth of whistling and jeers.


	12. Twelve romantic poems

"Kili," Fili said.

"Eerrrhhhffff."

"Kili, wake up," he insisted.

"Sleepy."

"Fine, no presents for you."

Kili sat up.

"Presents?" He said.

"Yes, Kili. It's Christmas."

He looked confused for a minute before his eyes lit up.

"Did you make breakfast?" Kili slid out of the bed and put on his robe.

"Yeah. Scrambled eggs and bacon."

"My favourite." He gave Fili a long kiss.

"Come on, they'll be time for that later."

 

Kili stared at the pile of gifts. Surely they couldn't be all for him. He suddenly felt quite shy about his gift for Fili.

"Well go on, open them." Fili encouraged.

"Are they all mine?"

"Yep. I couldn't decide."

Gingerly, Kili sat down and unwrapped the first present.

"Barbed arrows?"

Fili shrugged.

"Thorin's idea." He explained.

"And what's this?"

"It's, um, from Bofur's back room."

Kili raised his eyebrows.

"Are you going to let me use it on you?" he asked saucily.

Fili opened and closed his mouth several times.

"Just open the rest of your presents," he managed finally.

"Ah! Now I know why you wanted to braid my hair." Kili slid the beads onto the end of his braids. "Don't think the fact they're a matching set escapes me either."

"It shows we belong together." Fili stroked his hair.

"Shows I belong to you," Kili retorted as he opened the next present. "Oh, honey cake!"

"Are you complaining?"

"Certainly not," the brunet said through a mouthful of cake.

"What-" Kili swallowed. "is this?" He opened the little bottle and sniffed it curiously.

"Oil."

"Oil? For fu-"

"Yes. Oil for that."

Kili pulled him down for a kiss.

"I think we're going to need that."

"Later, Kee. Finish opening your gifts."

Kili pouted.

"Go on."

"What's this?" He asked, turning the little wooden device in his hands.

Fili reached over and turned the base. The whole thing started to vibrate, the cogs inside whirring noisily.

"Oh. It's one of those." Kili blushed. "I've never plucked up the courage to buy myself one."

"Well, I'm glad to have been of service. Now, your last present was too big to wrap, so it's in the larder." Fili took his hand and led him.

"What could be too big to wrap?"

"See for yourself."

Kili opened the door.

"You got me a barrel?" He asked, confused.

"It's full."

Kili leaned in and sniffed.

"A barrel of ale?"

"Well I'm sure the tavern could do with it back, today of all days."

"Whoa, let's not do anything hasty," Kili said and dragged him away.

"You want your gift?"

"Of course. Is it you?" Fili asked, pulling his brother against him.

"Not quite. Just let me grab a few things." He picked up the oil and the toys, hurrying to their bedroom.

Fili went to follow but found the door slammed in his face.

"Kili?"

"Just a minute."

Fili frowned. What in the world had Kili gotten him that needed preparing?

He was just about to knock when the door opened. They were definitely going to need that oil.

 

"Oh, Kili. I forgot one of your presents." Fili pulled a bit of paper from his trousers on the floor.

“Do you not think you got me enough?”

“This one is the best. Trust me.”

Kili rolled over, propping his chin on his brother’s chest as he laid back down.

“What is it then?” he asked as he made himself comfortable.

“Kee, I’m not your personal pillow.”

“You are.”

“Okay.”

Fili cleared his throat. “So Ori suggested I write you a poem. So I did.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Go on then.” Kili said eagerly.

Fili glanced at him nervously before fixing his eyes on the scrap of paper.

“I love the way you blushed when we first kissed, your eyes wide open to check it was really me.” He checked on his brother. Kili had the sappiest smile on his face. “I love the way you stammered when you first told me you loved me, unsure and afraid. When you look up at me in bed, I see the same eyes that looked at me when we were children, the same arms that reach for me. But most of all I love falling asleep to your snores every night and waking up to you every morning.”

Kili kissed him, unable to contain his grin. “That was beautiful.”

“Nah, I didn’t even read that book Ori lent me.” Fili said bashfully.

“It was wonderful.” Kili covered his brother’s face in kisses. “I love you.”

“Aw, Kee. I love you too.”

“You want to go again?” Kili asked, snaking his hand down below the blond’s waist.

“If you’re willing, I’d be more than happy.”

They kissed, wrapping themselves around each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope everyone enjoyed that! Later today I will post my festive smut. Have a Merry Christmas everyone!


End file.
